Today, after years of secrecy, autopsies, and extraterrestrial bodily fluids and Tijuana tequila cocktails, humanity jumps once again into the deepest pits of indecent horror, pits which we thought we wouldn't revisit again after the talking clown urinal, the sickening Jesuswitch and the twisted Spongebob Squarepants singing rectal thermometer. NSFW illustration ahead.

It's the love doll they never wanted you to know about! For years they've locked it away, kept it classified and tried to prevent man from enjoying extraterrestrial pleasure. Now you can experience what humans have fantasized about for decades...incredible sex with an alien! It's pussy-shaped mouth, 3 supples breasts, suction cup fingers and ass-shaped ears make it the kinkiest love slave in the galaxy.

Suctioncupfingersthreeboobedpussymouthvinyl? I'll be there like shareware. Buying one now. Test with me, Addy, and possibly the dog, soon. [Sextoy via Nerd Approved]

Smartypants at the Wharton School of Business surveyed shoppers to find out what pissed them off most about the in-store experience, and it turns out it's mainly the sales staff. Here's the top 10 problems that shoppers said bothered them to the point that they wouldn't go back to the store.

10. Sales Associate (SA) A ignored you - did not say hello, smile, make eye contact 21
9. SA didn't listen when explaining what you wanted 22
8. Product/item was out of stock 22
7. SA not very polite, courteous 24
6. SA not interested in helping you find what looking for 27
5. SA insensitive to long check-out lines 27
4. SA acted like you were intruding on their time/conversations 29
3. SA followed, pestered when you wanted to browse on own 30
2. Could not find anyone when needed help 31
1. SA had 'that's not my department' attitude 32

Does this hold true for you? What most turns you off when you go out shopping?

Shopper Research Pinpoints Loyalty, Problems [ifoAppleStore] (Thanks to Jgodsey!)
What Customers Expect Sales Associates To Contribute Toward The In-Store Experience (Powerpoint)
(Photo: Getty)

It's rare that Apple's patents actually show the exact form factors of devices they have in development, but this "dual sided trackpad" patent for a phone seems to definitely show that they've got some flipphone version coming up. The patent itself outlines a phone that has two multitouch sensors, both on the "bottom" part of the phone. When it's closed, the phone acts like your current model iPhone. When it's open, only the bottom part of the phone is touch-sensitive, whereas the top part is just a display.

The top/bottom touchscreen difference has the interesting effect of bringing some new features such as actually drawing out a number on the touchpad, rotating and old school dial (?), simulating a T9 dialpad, or even having both sides of the touchscreen active at once for some crazy control.

What's the point of this? Besides new features, apparently many people HATE the candybar form factor and won't even consider a phone a real phone unless it's a clamshell. Like Jack Bauer, for instance. [Unwired View]

Though Vista's had its share of bugs, flaws, and faults,
a patch coming soon should bring some good results.
But at the end of the day, when all's said and done,
We'll still be wiping our asses with Service Pack 1. [Impress]

Filed under: Cellphones, Laptops

You'll have to take this one with the usual patent application caveats but, as Unwired View reports, one of Apple's recent filings seems to indicate that it has at least considered the possibility of an iPhone flip phone of sorts, among other dual-screen possibilities. The application itself is for what's described as a "dual sided trackpad," which would be translucent and boast touch sensitive panels on each side, allowing it to be used both when it's opened or when it's covering the main display. In the case of the iPhone, that would seem to offer yet another option for the oft-discussed iPhone nano, but the patent application doesn't stop there, with it also offering up possibilities for laptops and tablets based around the technology. In the former case, the touchpad would open up a small window on the main display, allowing it to work like a SideShow display, while the tablet would boast a touchscreen encompassing the entire display. Needless to say, we wouldn't recommend getting your hopes up for any of that just yet but, if you want to whet your appetite a bit further, you can get a rough idea of what they might look like by hitting up the read link below.

Read | Permalink | Email this | Comments

Filed under: Cellphones, Laptops

You'll have to take this one with the usual patent application caveats but, as Unwired View reports, one of Apple's recent filings seems to indicate that it has at least considered the possibility of an iPhone flip phone of sorts, among other dual-screen possibilities. The application itself is for what's described as a "dual sided trackpad," which would be translucent and boast touch sensitive panels on each side, allowing it to be used both when it's opened or when it's covering the main display. In the case of the iPhone, that would seem to offer yet another option for the oft-discussed iPhone nano, but the patent application doesn't stop there, with it also offering up possibilities for laptops and tablets based around the technology. In the former case, the touchpad would open up a small window on the main display, allowing it to work like a SideShow display, while the tablet would boast a touchscreen encompassing the entire display. Needless to say, we wouldn't recommend getting your hopes up for any of that just yet but, if you want to whet your appetite a bit further, you can get a rough idea of what they might look like by hitting up the read link below.

Read | Permalink | Email this | Comments

Further distancing itself from its problematic free TV promotion (which for some customer has so far been lacking in free TVs), a reader in the Bronx reports that Verizon FiOS triple-play bundle ads on the radio are now offering $200 gift cards for Circuit City. As previously noted, the TV ads are now touting free Samsung digital cameras.

The Federal Reserve Bank has decided to extend its own authority in an effort to "stem a credit crisis that is engulfing the financial system and threatening a deep recession, " says the Wall Street Journal.

For the first time securities dealers, effective today and for at least the next six months, may borrow from the Fed on much the same terms as banks. The Fed also lowered the rate charged on such borrowings from what's known as its discount window by a quarter of a percentage point, to 3.25%, and extended the maximum term to 90 days from 30.

"These steps will provide financial institutions with greater assurance of access to funds," Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said in announcing the emergency initiatives yesterday evening.

Bear Stearns had a stock-market value of about $3.5 billion as of Friday -- and was worth $20 billion in January 2007. But the crisis of confidence that swept the firm and fueled a customer exodus in recent days left Bear Stearns with a horrible choice: sell the firm -- at any price -- to a big bank willing to assume its trading obligations or file for bankruptcy.

"At the end of the day, what Bear Stearns was looking at was either taking $2 a share or going bust," said one person involved in the negotiations. "Those were the only options."

To help facilitate the deal, the Federal Reserve is taking the extraordinary step of providing as much as $30 billion in financing for Bear Stearns's less-liquid assets, such as mortgage securities that the firm has been unable to sell, in what is believed to be the largest Fed advance on record to a single company. Fed officials wouldn't describe the exact financing terms or assets involved. But if those assets decline in value, the Fed would bear any loss, not J.P. Morgan.

J.P. Morgan Buys Bear in Fire Sale, As Fed Widens Credit to Avert Crisis [WSJ]
Central Bank Offers Loans To Brokers, Cuts Key Rate [WSJ]
(AP Photo/Jin Lee, file)

None of the estimated $400 million that the RIAA received in settlements with Napster, KaZaA, and Bolt over allegations of copyright infringement has gone to the artists whose copyrights were allegedly infringed. Now the artists are considering suing the RIAA.

Lawyers who have represented artists such as The Rolling Stones, Van Halen, and Christina Aguilera say artists and managers are upset that they haven't seen any of the settlement money the RIAA received after suing the popular file-sharing services. According to the New York Post, the artists are "girding for battle with their music overlords," who respond that they have "started the process" of figuring out how to share the money, most of which was received seven years ago in a settlement with Napster. The RIAA also claims that there isn't actually that much money available after subtracting legal fees. Whoops.

"INFRINGEMENT!" [New York Post]
"RIAA Keeps Settlement Money, Artists May Sue" [TorrentFreak](Thanks to Smitherd and Jim!)
(Photo: D.S.B.)